Categories
Creative Satire

Why Women Shouldn’t Be Allowed in Higher Education

As a woman and a current Cornell undergraduate, I feel that I am an extremely qualified source when it comes to explaining why women shouldn’t be allowed into higher education. Now, perhaps that sentence shocks you. Perhaps there are even those of you who would argue that, given the privilege I have been afforded, my experience disqualifies me from arguing for the exclusion of women from higher education. But I firmly believe that such an experience has in fact been an asset—much like the ability to cut your own hair or cook a Thanksgiving turkey. Radical notions of “feminism” have led to our current state: we not only accept the idea of women furthering their education, but we actively promote it as well. Such notions have had devastating effects on both universities and society as a whole, and we must do everything in our power to stop their spread.

First off, we must examine the impact that women have had on the universities they have attended. In 1870, Cornell University was the first of the Ivy League schools to admit women. It was not until 1969 that Harvard, Princeton, and Yale became coed and not until 1981 that Columbia did the same. Yet, today, U.S. News and World Report ranks Cornell as the 18th in the country, whereas the seven other Ivy League schools—all of which allowed women onto their campuses nearly a century later—rank significantly higher than Cornell. Princeton, Harvard, Columbia, and Yale respectively hold the top four positions. These statistics clearly demonstrate the direct cause and effect between the presence of women on campus and the degradation of the university as a whole. Perhaps it was the extra century of spaghetti straps and knees distracting men that really did Cornell in.

Next, we must determine whether higher education fulfills the goals for women that it intends to. People have argued that women ought to be just as independent as men. However, women aren’t learning independence at universities. Rather, we are being waited on hand and foot. Our food is cooked and prepared by chefs, and the bathrooms and hallways in our dormitories are cleaned for us. Such decadence is absurd. After all, cooking and cleaning are time-honored traditions that have been relegated to women for centuries, because men don’t want to do them. And frankly, why should they? Men are busy. Men are hardworking. After all, men are men. They have theories named after them, buildings constructed in their honor, and some of them are quite proficient at growing beards and talking over others. Their talents truly know no bounds! But women’s talents do know bounds. Case in point: most of them are not very proficient at growing beards.

These two points make clear the fact that women should not be allowed into higher education. Although, then again, I am a women, and therefore I am not entirely sure that I can be trusted to have an opinion on the matter. Perhaps it would be better to ask a man.